Excerpts for Last Testament : A Memoir by God


1In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."

2 Yea; that takes me back.

3 Back to the first day of creation; the day when, in a sense, it all began for me;

4 The day I tossed aside the idleness of my early eons, to take on the honor, responsibility, and privilege of being the LORD thy God, King of the Universe.

5 I remember that day like it was yesterday, though to be sure it was not yesterday; rather it was ages ago, across an unfathomable sea of time whose meagerest inlet exceeds the ken of human understanding.

6 It was October 23, 4004 B.C.

7 But before I speak of that day, and that week, and all the laughter and tears and tragedy and triumph that followed; let me pause at the beginning of this, my last testament, to tell thee a little about myself.

8 I am Omnipotent, Omniscient, All-Merciful, All-Powerful, All-Informed, All-Possessing, All-Compelling, All-Subduing, Most Holy, Most High, and Most Powerful.

9 My hobbies include being Sovereign LORD, Heavenly Ordainer, Day-star of Eternal Guidance, Tabernacle of Majesty, Quintessence of Glory, Hand of Divine Power, Tongue of Grandeur, and Eye of Splendor.

10 And in the interest of full disclosure, I must also confess that I have on occasion been known to dabble in being the Desire of the World, the Source of Everlasting Life, the Sovereign Protector, and the Wellspring of Infinite Grace.

11 With all these qualities, and many more--for another of my qualities is being infinitely qualitied--people have often wondered why it was I created the universe, when I could have remained content simply to hover alone as pure spirit contemplating my own divinity.

12 Because that's not godding, that's why.

13 In my humble opinion, thou canst hardly call thyself the LORD, if thou hast created no other beings to LORD it over.

14 (Besides, I did try hovering alone as pure spirit once; but one can only contemplate oneself contemplating oneself contemplating oneself contemplating oneself for so long before it getteth old.)

15 I had a burning ambition to rule the world, but I knew such a world was not going to create itself; no fully formed planet was going to suddenly appear and say, "Here, LORD, take these 20 burnt offerings," or "Here, LORD, take these 50 infidel heads," or "Here, LORD, take these 200 years of religious warfare."

16 No; there was nothing for it but to strike out on my own; to follow my own dreams, and pursue my own vision, and make my own fortune; relying on nothing but my own grit, and pluck, and infinite power over the space-time continuum.

17 And so I began my story; and so I begin it now.

18 Yet there is one more truth I would have thee bear in mind before I commence; for it is the prism through which all revelation herein contained must pass to be seen clearly.

19 I am not perfect.

20 Yea, I am omnipotent; but there are mortals tramping thy corridors of power who are nearly so, at least within the earthly dominion; and does their great might foster in them perfect righteousness? Or are they not mostly bastards?

21 Yea, I am omniscient; but there are mortals waddling the casinos of Las Vegas possessing nearly all information on the handicapping arts; yet does their great knowledge foster in them perfect judgment? Or did they not just lose their shirts on the Seahawks +2½?

22 And so, Reader, as thou flippest through these awe-inspiring pages, be not surprised to discover that over the millennia I have erred on matters great and small, and even at times shown slight defects of character.

23 For despite all the sobriquets listed above, and all the wondrous attributes contained within me, I am not perfect, and have never claimed to be.

24 I have claimed only, that my imperfections are thy fault.

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